How to Maintain Effective Communication with Your Partner During Challenging Discussions

How you argue directly affects your partner. In no way am I saying I am a professional at having a difficult conversation with a significant other, I am actually saying the opposite. I used to be so bad at arguing and disagreeing with my old partners that I have learned a lot about myself and ways I could improve. I used to run away from every argument, even got so good from running away from arguments that my fight or flight response would be to quite literally pass out when I got too overwhelmed. I used to be a bad communicator; I used to be so short with my partners and not be understanding at all. The second you start trying your best to understand their perspective and remember that they are doing the absolute best they can sometimes, you will feel better and apply less pressure on your partner to be perfect. I used to go for the meanest things I could say to people in order to “win” the argument because I wanted to hurt them for hurting me. I learned that that’s not how love works. Love is patient and love is kind; even in arguments it is kind. You would never want to hurt your partner because you love them right? It’s important to keep that same mindset even when things get heated. Follow some of my tips below and I promise you that arguments and disagreements will end better if you and your partner.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you have a disagreement with your partner:

1. The things you say when you’re upset, linger

You have to remember that what you say when you’re upset, even if you say you didn’t mean it, does. Still in fact hurt. Those are the thoughts that run through your partners mind when they start to become insecure about the relationship. Those little jabs are what run through their mind when they wonder if you love them or not. Do yourself a favor and don’t say anything that you wouldn’t repeat when you are level headed.

2. Consider your partners attachment style

If your partner is an anxious attachment style, then reassure them a little more than you would normally that everything will be fine after the disagreement and that you still will be with them and care for them regardless of argument. If your partner is an avoidant attachment style then maybe give them a little extra space so that they don’t feel overwhelmed.

3. Don’t take low blows

Remain respectful, don’t name call and try to understand their perspective a little. If you feel like you both have little in common, don’t mention that when you are fighting because then when your partner is feeling sad or alone, they will run those “unintentionally mean” comments through their head and make them feel insecure. Don’t take low blows, never comment on physical appearance or anything that would make them feel small. Don’t say things that you know would hurt them, stick to the facts and remember that you love them and never want to make them feel small even if you are temporarily upset with them.

4. It’s you two vs the problem, not you vs them

Take your pride, swallow it, and remember why you love your partner so much. It’s always you and your partner as a team vs the problem; if you keep this mindset then you both will be able to accomplish anything. In order to keep this in your head when arguing, you have to set your ego aside and be able to admit when you are wrong and when you have unintentionally hurt your partner.

5. Don’t be defensive, accept your piece in the argument

The second you become defensive, you allow yourself to deflect and put the blame on someone else, which is not the best tactic for someone you care about. Being defensive very rarely leads to a productive resolution, so maybe take a step back and breathe before you deflect your energy onto your partner. Remember that they are not coming into the argument with malicious intent, they are just trying to also figure out the best solution moving forward and might be a little hurt by your actions or vice versa.

6. Try communicating sooner than later

If your partner upsets you, try to let them know within a respectable amount of time/ Don’t bring things up weeks or months later because a routine of this will make your partner anxious, constantly looking for little clues that maybe you are upset with them. Communicate effectively and clearly so that your partner doesn’t do it again. Open and healthy communication about issues within a reasonable amount of time will lead to a long lasting healthy relationship.