Things we don’t talk about after we move on that are normal

Relationships, marriages, friendships, all the above, are hard and when they end, they leave us with unanswered questions that a lot of times we don’t get the answer to. It’s hard to have a clean, amicable, one time finishes it breakup but at the end of the day, you broke up for a reason. That person that was once your everything is no longer able to provide you with the life you want to have and if they are requiring you to convince them to choose you, then it definitely isn’t going to work out. It’s normal to miss them and miss the memories, but at the end of the day you have to remember that it’s a normal human reaction to miss something or someone we used to have, but that doesn’t mean it’s a sign to get back together. It’s normal to want to reach out every time we think of a question that was left unanswered; but don’t do it. Don’t keep reaching out, cut off all contact if you have to, do whatever you need to do to heal. Stop watering dead, poisonous plants.

You don’t have to be friends with your exes, you don’t even have to talk to them ever again if you don’t want to. If you can be friends with your ex then good for you, I personally can’t and know very few people who can. It’s normal to want the best for someone who you once cared for, but still want absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s normal to have brief moments of sadness when you see something that reminds you of them, but don’t reach out, don’t send a text that says, “this reminded me of you”. At the end of the day, you have to be okay if whatever you do or send, others will see. Think about when an ex reaches out to you, your immediate reaction is to tell your mom, sister and best friend. Well other people have that instinctive reaction as well, so you have to be okay with being embarrassed if they share whatever you sent with their circle.

Before my last relationship, I had never met anyone I could imagine myself having a family with. For a brief two years out of six, I imagined every detail of what our family would look like, small, intimate, living close to a city, maybe in the woods, not too close to family. I imagined what our children’s names would be, classic but unique. I considered who would stay home and take care of the children, what pets we would have, how I would further my career if I had to stay home permanently. Towards the end of our relationship, I realized that these were merely my fantasies and that my old partner did not want similar things; which is completely fine, but eventually was what drove us apart. My point in saying this is that it’s normal to mourn the life you thought you were going to have with your ex, but it’s important to remember that what is coming is far better than what has passed.

It’s going to be hard, but try to remember that not every person you date is going to make the same decisions that your ex partner did. Try your best to not compare anyone new to anyone old because you will end up having expectations for someone who can’t compete with them. You have to give the new person the same patience and grace you would give anyone else because they don’t deserve you holding them to standards that they don’t even know they are trying to meet.

Here is an uncompleted list of things we don’t talk about after we have moved on from a relationship that are completely normal:

1. How we are convinced every partner will make the same decisions as our exes did

2. Sometimes we go back and forth to them after a breakup

3. It’s okay to be healed and still have moments of sadness

4. Want absolutely nothing to do with them

5. Fighting the urge to reach out to them

6. Letting go of the future we imagined we would have with them

7. It’s ok to be scared to open up again, to trust again, to love again.

8. Life looks different without that person and that’s a good thing

9. You will eventually become someone emotionally and mentally that your ex doesn’t recognize

10. Healing isn’t linear, it’s ok to not be ok for a little while