Identifying your own Red Flags

Am I the drama? 

Self reflection is difficult, everyone is aware of that. But when we intentionally look within and try to discover our own faults and areas of improvement, we can be a stronger friend, partner and lover. The last thing I want to do with my Thursday night is identify all of my 'red flags' in dating or in a friendship, but at the end of the day it will help you heal and become stronger mentally long term. 

If it makes you feel any better, I can share some of my red flags!

My red flags include self isolation, an anxious avoidant attachment style and pushing people away rather than communicating my feelings. I have a habit of having multiple loose friendships rather than investing in deeper relationships, I want a partner who isn't a workaholic but I am hyperindependent and can't give them the time and attention needed if they weren't a workaholic, etc.

Steps to help you identify your own red flags:

1. Identify your patterns with previous partners

Reflect on why your past relationships ended and identify any patterns within your behavior that contributed to the separation. Be honest, I know it's hard and at the end of the day everyone has something may it be big or small to work on.

2. Pinpoint what you automatically judge in others

Your insecurities are reflected in what you judge in others. Are you constantly shaming women for what they wear? Maybe that means you are insecure with your body and wish you could wear the clothing that others have on or maybe you grew up in a religious household where wearing certain clothes meant that you are ‘easy’. Do you instantly cringe when you see someone who has a different body type than yours and question their eating habits? Maybe that means you are insecure with your own body type and your negative feelings towards yourself show up in how you react to others. 

3. Are you too stubborn?

Are you unreasonably stubborn and that drives away partners? Whether or not it’s you having a guard up or it's years of making up for people pleasing tendencies, ensuring you can compromise in a relationship is important. It is as well important to know your non-negotiables of course, but compromise is essential in a healthy long-lasting relationship.

4. Do you take feedback well?

If one of your friends or partners informs you that what you said hurt their feelings, how do you react? Remaining calm and reassuring the other person is important because that's one way the other person knows they can trust you enough to give you negative feedback as well as positive. Don't react harshly or take things overly personal when someone says you hurt their feelings. It's important to first consider the other person's feelings and second recognize what you can do in the future to prevent the situation from happening again.

5. How do you make others feel?

We all say that we are the biggest giver and that no one will treat us as well as we treat others, but if everyone says that about themselves then is it really true? Think deeply about how you treat people you love, hate, tolerate, enjoy and just simply interact with. Reflect on how relationships differ from another and why that is.