How to Support a Partner or Friend with an Anxious Attachment Style: 15 Helpful Tips
- mariahsdays17
- Apr 27, 2024
- 3 min read
Assisting in healing someone with an anxious attachment style can be one of the most heartbreaking but fulfilling things you can do as a partner. You can consciously decide to make that person’s life easier by doing things that will intentionally make them feel safer and therefore wanted by you or you can actively do things that make them feel even more insecure about the relationship and then they will grow to reset you eventually. Healing an anxious attachment style when you’re in a relationship can be incredibly freeing and one of the best ways to do it is if you are with someone who is secure. You will not heal if you are an anxious attachment style and your partner is an avoidant attachment style; It just simply will not work, I promise.
I used to be an anxious attachment girlie, always concerned about what my partner thought about me, if i was good enough, if I was lean enough or entertaining enough to keep a man. And then we broke up and I realized I was incredibly codependent(mostly my fault), and I was incredibly anxious about relationships and dating. After things ended, I went on dating apps and went from avoidant to avoidant, thinking that I could change them into loving me, when in reality, it was me not loving or believing in myself. I remember I would drive myself in circles some days, quite literally would drive my mind wild, convincing myself of things that were absolutely not true.
When I was younger, I would drive my partner away by asking for validation over and over again when in reality if I healed myself or noticed I was projecting onto my partner, then I wouldn’t have pushed them away. I was so scared of rejection every time we fought, I would purposefully say that if they wanted to leave, they could; so that I was in control of if they wanted to break up. If an anxious person doesn’t feel safe, then they will not trust you and if they don’t trust you, then they will drive you mad trying so hard to hold onto whatever degree of relationship you two have.
I still to this day even though I’m single have a day or two a month where I get anxious over a boy or about my past relationships. When I go out on a first date or a reoccurring date with someone I’ve been seeing, I sometimes get scared and tell myself to mentally push them away. That is the avoidant voice in my head rather than the secure voice that knows if the other person decides to cut things off, that that would be completely fine with me because at the end of the day because I only want people in my life that want to be there.
The point is, just because you yourself are an anxious person or your partner has an anxious attachment style, it actively takes to people to try and heal it. You can either fuel the fire or help soothe the burn.
Here are 15 things that would help a partner who has a significant other with an anxious attachment style:
Keep telling them you are proud of them for pushing through and trying to heal
Reassure them after every argument that you aren’t going to leave and that you love them
If you are comfortable with it, share your location with them.
Let them know when you are upset, don’t hold it in for long periods of time
Try to understand their triggers
Understand their love language, it’ll help them feel loved the most
Tell them that they can’t control everything or predict everything bad, but they can try to be mentally strong enough to handle whatever comes.
Tell them when they do things you like or appreciate
Tell them to forgive themselves for the things they never talk about
Try your best to tell them everything you love about them often, it’ll make them feel less anxious in a new relationship over time.
Don’t smother them if they ask for space and on the opposite end, don’t ask for space without a defined amount of time to come back.
Don’t cancel plans last minute if you can avoid it, over time they won’t trust you
Don’t give empty promises or maybe’s; it drives anxious minds crazy
Be clear about your expectations and what you want out of the relationship early on and if it changes, communicate that.
Be open and transparent with as much information as you are comfortable with
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