From the Vault

I don’t like this feeling; spiraling out of control, gripping onto anything or anyone I can. It always happens when I know it is the beginning of the end. The feeling of knowing that I am moving onto something better which should be exciting but also have yet to switch over so I am stuck in the unknown, forced to face my feelings and face my fears. The beginning of the end is a beautiful place to be in when you know what the light at the end of the tunnel is instead of not knowing and just hoping that everything will work itself out. I am hopeful that everything will work out the way it’s designed to, just not knowing what the path or route to get there is like is the problem.

I’m angry, angry at the person I allowed myself to be, to believe in for so long. I’m angry for allowing people to walk all over me with no respect for how it would affect me mentally down the line. I’m angry because I have to go through this uncomfortable period of time where I don’t feel like myself in order to become the best version of myself. I know that in order to blossom, there has to be a little rain, a little thunder and a little sadness. I’m frustrated because the person I used to be no longer fits the person I am dying to become. I’ve spent the last year and a half becoming more positive, more hopeful and more understanding, but there are still habits and thoughts of my past life that I can’t seem to shake.

I go back and forth every day between the person I used to be, cold, distant, emotionally incapable of being empathetic and a kinder, softer, more understanding version. I want to stop pushing people away every time they get close to me. I want to stop believing that everyone at some point is going to screw me over. I want to believe that I can trust someone with my heart, mind and body but it is so difficult to let go of the control or false sense of control that I have. The only real control I feel like I have sometimes is the ability to push someone away. That is the easiest way to show someone else that I can control the situation, which is a terrible way of looking at things, I am aware. I used to be such a mean person, realizing that the only way to get attention from others was to be mean and cold. I realized the only way to change was to face these things and show myself these are how many relationships I have ruined because of the person I was.

I was on the phone the other day with my mother and she asked me “why aren’t you proud of yourself” and I responded back “I am.” And she said “No you’re not because if you were then you would stop trying so hard to prove to everyone else around you that you are enough”. And sadly, she is right. When I was a child, I was the middle so I learned very early on that in order to get attention or appraisal from my parents, I had to to be better than my other two siblings or have the flu or win an award or push them away. I recognize that and as an adult am now trying to heal that portion of myself. I am trying to work on being more understanding and empathetic towards myself because I do a lot and it’s not fair to put so much pressure on myself to be everywhere and do everything all the time. I need to stop telling myself that I will be proud of the version of me once I am that final version, that I can’t enjoy the person I am becoming while I am becoming her. I want to enjoy the journey because being proud of yourself means being aware of the person you are in every phase right?

I am morphing, growing, shifting into the person I want to be, an environmentalist, a mother, a sister, a lover, a partner and a friend. I want to be soft and empathetic, yet, strong and resilient. I want to remain open to love and laughter and the feeling I am craving when you allow someone into your head. I want to remain strong in my convictions and have flexibility with my beliefs because I can admit I don’t know everything. I want to become the person that can be someone else’s safe place but in order to do that, I have to be grounded enough to fight for the people and social issues I love the most. I want to be someone’s safe space but I can’t be if I keep running away the second I get scared of my feelings. I will become that person with time, but in the meantime I am going to give myself grace for the person I was and give my future self motivation for fighting hard enough to change into the person I want to be.