Choosing Yourself: Navigating the Emotional Journey of Ending a Relationship While Still in Love

I'm not writing this because I am still in love. I am writing this because I want others to feel strongly enough about their goals and aspirations to choose themselves as well. If I hadn't chosen myself, I wouldn't have left California to go to Colorado when I did, and I wouldn't have moved to Washington out of fear of being alone for so long. You need to choose yourself today, tomorrow, and every day after because no one else is as invested in your success and happiness as much as you are. You need to choose yourself because you are the only person in charge of your future. You might think you have endless time, but in reality, you don't. You owe it to yourself to be happy and whole. It breaks your heart physically, emotionally, and mentally, but it's better to experience short-term loss than long-term regret. Trust me, choosing yourself in the short term will help so much in the long run.

Choosing yourself isn't easy; I'm going to start with that. It isn't easy telling someone you think the world of that their love isn't enough for you or enough to sustain the relationship. It isn't easy to completely disrupt the routine you have built, the friends you have established, and the memories. The memories and shared places are what I have no advice for. I move every time I have an ending, running from the memories of the places we enjoyed the most together. Writing those places off along with the people associated with them.

Our story is cliché, unoriginal, and certainly not worth noting, but here it is anyways:

Six years, two months, and twenty-five days later, I ended a relationship I thought was going to be my last. We met when we were 18 at college orientation; he was my first love, and I was his first girlfriend. He was the first person I could see myself marrying, and I was the first person he introduced to his parents. We were friends for the first six months, and then one night, after going to an airplane show with his family, he said, "kiss me." We were inseparable after that, taking most of our college courses together, living together, working together, and sharing the same social circle. We loved so deeply.

The first time we broke up was the day before I left to go to Brown University for the summer. He broke up with me after two and a half years together; it was the first time I'd ever been broken up with. I cried for two days, blocked him on everything, and then remembered who I am and picked myself up. When I returned from Rhode Island, he reached out to my parents and said I had things at his house I needed to pick up when I was back in Sonoma. I contemplated getting a new job so I didn't have to face him again. Instead, I mustered up the courage to go back to Sonoma, saw him at work, and he spent the remaining four months trying to get me back. I even dated someone else in the meantime. We ended up back together, graduated undergrad together, and lived together during COVID.

The turning point for our relationship was when I got accepted into the University of Denver in Colorado. He begged me not to go, saying our whole life was in Sonoma. I went against his wishes and moved alone. I told him he had two years to move, and he promised he would. We went through ups and downs as any long-distance couple for two years would. On December 27th, we had just celebrated my birthday at my favorite waterfall, the place I told him would be the only place I'd want to get engaged at. On my birthday, December 24th, he did not propose but instead told me he had been lying for two years about moving to Colorado. He never intended to move, he never intended to leave Sonoma County, and he thought in two years he could convince me to leave and go back to California. On December 27th, I chose myself, my happiness, and my future, and I walked away.

The best advice I can give someone who is considering ending a relationship is to make sure you are certain about ending things. If you break up with them, the person you get back will not be the same. They will be jaded and unsure about themselves and where they stand in your life. You have to be 100% sure that your life will be better without them because swinging someone's emotions like a yo-yo is just unfair to everyone involved.

How to cope with ending a relationship while you are still in love:

1. Write a list of all the things you can do now that you're single.

Ending a relationship can feel like a huge loss, but it also opens up new opportunities. Make a list of all the things you can now pursue without compromise or negotiation. These could include hobbies you neglected, places you wanted to visit, or career goals you put on hold. This exercise helps shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you can gain.

2. Try to make new friends that aren't in contact with your ex.

Expanding your social circle can provide new perspectives and support. Look for social groups, clubs, or classes that interest you. Engaging with new people who don’t have ties to your past relationship can help you create fresh memories and reduce the chances of encountering awkward or painful reminders of your ex.

3. Remind yourself over and over again why it needed to end.

It’s easy to romanticize past relationships, especially when you’re still in love. Keep a journal where you list the reasons the relationship needed to end. Refer back to this list whenever you feel nostalgic or doubt your decision. This will help reinforce your resolve and remind you of the importance of moving forward.

4. Remain consistent in your routines.

Maintaining your daily routines can provide a sense of stability and normalcy. Whether it’s your morning workout, your evening walk, or your weekly book club, sticking to these routines can help anchor you and provide a comforting structure during a time of emotional upheaval.

5. Remove all possibilities for contact.

It’s crucial to create physical and emotional distance. Delete their number, unfollow or block them on social media, and avoid places you might run into them. This isn’t about being petty; it’s about giving yourself the space you need to heal without constant reminders of the past.

6. Remember that closure is fake and you need to move on.

Closure is often romanticized, but it’s not always attainable. Waiting for an explanation or apology can keep you stuck in the past. Accept that you might not get the answers you seek and that’s okay. Focus on your own healing and growth instead of seeking closure from someone else.

7. DO NOT start a new relationship right away.

Jumping into a new relationship too soon can prevent you from fully processing your emotions and learning from your past relationship. Give yourself time to heal and rediscover who you are outside of a relationship. When you do start dating again, you’ll be in a healthier place emotionally.

8. Cut off anyone and everyone for a temporary amount of time that only wants to talk about the breakup.

Surround yourself with supportive people who respect your need for space and healing. Politely but firmly let friends and family know that you need a break from discussing the breakup. This will help you avoid constant rehashing of painful memories and allow you to focus on moving forward.

9. Take the time you need to heal and remember healing isn't linear.

Healing from a breakup is a process with ups and downs. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s normal. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel all your emotions without judgment. Over time, the intensity of your feelings will lessen, and you’ll find yourself moving forward.